It’s Friday, and you’re excited because you’ve been looking forward to the weekend. You reach out to a friend to make plans for Saturday, and they don’t answer. No big deal, you’ll just call someone else.
You reach out to another friend to go see a movie with you, but they let you know they already have plans. You feel a small sting of rejection, but nothing you can’t recover from.
Then, Saturday comes, and as you’re scrolling social media you see everyone having fun and enjoying plans of their own…including one of the people that you reached out to. That small sting of rejection has grown into a nasty narrative in your mind that you are alone in this world.
“No one cares.”
“I deserve to be alone.”
“I’m not a lovable person.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
When triggered, the lies of loneliness can ring so loud in our minds that we not only begin to believe them, but we can start to think that other people believe them too. When visited by loneliness, there are questions you can ask yourself that can help ground you before falling all the way into its trap.
Am I reading a healthy boundary as rejection?
For example, it is completely normal to experience disappointment when you learn that someone that you wanted to hang out with already has plans. However, it’s important to recognize that someone else’s boundary (in this case a commitment to their own plans) is not intended to make you feel rejected. In the same way that you reserve the right to hold healthy boundaries for your own self-care, others do as well.
What evidence do I have that supports the lies of loneliness?
When you begin to ruminate on the thoughts that can accompany loneliness, really explore how true they are. When in a triggered state, it is tempting to overgeneralize and make a declaration like “No one cares”, instead of the more likely reality of, “That made me feel rejected.” If you find yourself feeling that way, it may be an opportunity to explore what experiences in your life influence shame or self-defeating messages.
What can I do with my time alone?
It is a healthy habit to be able to enjoy your own company. When you find that you will have a weekend or an evening alone, consider that as an opportunity to decompress and explore what brings you joy in solitude.
Does my routine welcome community?
The experience of being lonely presents an opportunity to evaluate what ways your routine welcomes community. In my work as a therapist, many clients have expressed anxiety over the idea of walking up to someone and introducing themselves. “I could be rejected or looked at as weird”, many say. So how else can you get to know others without “putting yourself out there”? For example, if you only go to work and straight home daily, perhaps consider adding a recreational community sport, an after-work hangout, or even weekday Bible study group to your routine. These activities include other people in environments that encourage developing relationships, without making you solely responsible for initiating the connections.
What helped the last time I felt this way?
When our disappointment of being alone is fresh, it can feel overwhelming. It’s helpful to remind yourself that this is likely not the first time you felt that way. Consider what was helpful the last time you experienced this feeling. Was it the encouraging words of a friend? Was it practicing mindfulness? Was it going for a walk or exercising? Be proactive in settling your emotions.
With years of experience with therapeutic work in a residential setting, I often observe clients trying to adjust to a new environment with old attitudes about themselves and other people. “They won’t like me”, “We won’t have anything in common”, “I won’t fit in”. Just like them, we can find ourselves trying to navigate the world with the baggage of our toxic shame messages. The way we view ourselves is often the way we view the world. In our work to combat loneliness, let’s work to disprove the lies that can often accompany the feeling. If you find that you could use some help with this, explore our therapy services at Capstone Wellness.
If you or your loved one’s need matches the level of care and support offered at Capstone Treatment Center, we hope to be that answer for you. Call 866-729-4479 and learn how we can be your partners in healing.