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Addressing hard things with the people you love can be difficult. How can we make sure we don’t offend them or make things more difficult while still addressing the inevitable? In this article we’ll address common fears that parents have voiced, along with some helpful prompts to start these difficult conversations with both teenage and young adult men. We’ll begin with a few reasons we may avoid hard conversations.

It’s too uncomfortable to talk about.

Topics like consequences, drug use, mental health struggles, sexual boundaries, and matters of the heart are often taboo subjects between parents and children – not because it’s not important, but because parents are sometimes unsure of how to approach the topic. 

You fear being misunderstood.

“What if it comes out wrong? What if my words are miscontrued?” parents have asked in a family session. No one likes being misunderstood or having their words being used against them. While there is no way to guarantee that you’re understood, using a few of the prompts below may be useful to decrease the likelihood or frequency of this happening.

The last time you attempted a conversation like this, it did not end well.

Sometimes the memory of how the last time turned out when you attempted a hard conversation is enough to keep you from trying again. In this case, it may be helpful to acknowledge what should be done differently in preparation for another conversation.

You fear their response.

What if they become angry, volatile, tearful, or frustrated? What if they are dishonest? These are all valid concerns. If you have reached a crossroads in your relationship where you cannot seem to have a healthy conversation one-on-one, it may be best to approach this discussion with a co-parent/other family member. If behavior continues to escalate, you may consider additional steps utilizing a therapist, or interventionist to approach some difficult topics.

You are concerned that it may cause them to relapse.

Your loved one may have responded in an unhealthy way when confronted before, and you’re concerned that this may happen again. No one wants to feel guilty for causing a loved one to relapse. However, contrary to popular belief, avoidance of hard conversations is not helpful to one’s recovery journey. In fact, addressing hard things in love is necessary for repairing relationships and is more supportive of someone in recovery.

You don’t know how to start the conversation.

Sometimes the biggest hurdle to a hard conversation is how to start it. See below for some helpful prompts to get you started.

Prompts to Get The Conversation Started with Your Young Adult Son

If you’re looking for ways to approach a hard topic with a son who is fairly receptive to feedback, try one of these approaches: 

“I need to share something with you, and I am open to your thoughts. When can we talk?” This lets your son know that you have something to say, and gives them a sense of power in choosing when the conversation will happen.

“I feel this situation deserves a conversation. Let’s set a time to talk.” Sometimes in-the-moment is not the best time to have the conversation…but that doesn’t mean put it off forever. This approach provides an opportunity to inform your son that a conversation has to happen and takes the initiative to schedule a time to ensure that it does.

“I”ll be honest. I am nervous about how you may receive what I have to say, but I value our relationship too much to let that stop me from initiating this conversation.” This more vulnerable approach gives your son an opportunity to see your humanity and how valuable your relationship with him is to you.

Getting the Conversation Started with Teenage Boys

Approaching hard conversations with teens can be even trickier than with adults. In my experience as a licensed family therapist, children respond best with a combination of three components: (1) they don’t feel attacked, (2) you are emotionally composed, and (3) you are authentic and open.

“Son, you have my undivided attention. Share with me what’s on your mind. I’m listening.” Allow them to share, listen to comprehend, and then give your feedback if necessary.

“You mentioned feeling angry. Is now a good time to talk about what you’re feeling?” This approach shows them that you were listening when they expressed how they were feeling, and that you are taking their feelings into consideration.

“I’m taking you out to dinner tonight. I think we could use a new environment to have a discussion.” This approach offers an opportunity to explore new territory in the relationship on neutral grounds.

“I don’t expect you to always agree or even be happy with what I have to say, but I do expect you to listen in the same way that I listen to you.” This more assertive approach, which is sometimes very necessary, provides a firm and reasonable boundary while making your son aware that they are not expected to agree with you.

“I love you and I want to get a better understanding of your perspective. That’s why talking this out is important to me.” This disarming approach is a reaffirming way to let your son know why you’re pushing for this conversation to happen. If we never take the time to understand what is leading our son towards his perspective, we may find ourselves revisiting the conversation sooner than we would anticipate because we have not pushed to understand his thought process on the matter.

Even though difficult dialogue can feel daunting, here’s why it’s still important to have the conversations:

• Avoidance does more harm than good.
• It’s important to demonstrate healthy honest conversation for your child.
• The conversation you’re avoiding could serve as a catalyst for the very change you’re hoping to see.
• Having hard conversations builds healthy relationships.

We know there is no easy way to do hard things. In our work at Capstone Wellness of bringing families together for over 20 years, we work alongside the family to make hard things just a little bit easier.

Brianna Rodgers, LMFT, CTT, CSAT