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Distance, broken heart emojis, minimal eye contact, awkward silence, and sentiments of apology are just a few of the gestures that I’ve seen from well-meaning people as they attempt to comfort their grieving loved one. Naturally, people grasp for the right words to say to someone who has just experienced significant loss. How do we communicate compassion? How do we properly communicate empathy? More specifically, how do we support a teen or young adult who is grieving? As a licensed therapist working with teen boys and young adults for the last several years and as someone who is no stranger to grief, I’d like to invite you into the mind and emotions of a child who is experiencing grief and offer a few ways to support your grieving child beyond, “I’m sorry”.

Defining Grief

It’s important to understand that while grief is normally associated with death, death is not the only thing that triggers grief. The American Psychological Association defines grief as the anguish experienced after significant loss. This could be the loss of a job, an ability, a relationship, a lost pet, etc. More likely with our Capstone clients, we see teen boys and young men grieving a live-in parent by divorce, a loved one by death, a birth family they never or hardly knew, and even the loss of old lifestyles and unhealthy habits. (Parents sometimes struggle understanding the anguish associated with losing access to substances, pornography, or “toxic” friends. It may be helpful to recognize that these things, although harmful, were likely helping them feel less pain at one time or another.) 

Stages of Grief

It may be helpful to be familiar with the 5 stages of grief defined in Kubler-Ross’s On Death and Dying (1969): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Your grieving son is likely wrestling with at least one of these stages.

In the denial stage, we often wrestle with the reality of what will be our new normal without the thing or person that we lost. This can take a while. In the anger stage, there is strong resistance to the significant loss. At Capstone this stage most often looks like the silent treatment toward parents and/or their therapist, or anger outbursts. However, that’s only one expression of anger from young men. Some people are imploders – internalizing their anger. Others altogether deny any feeling of anger. Whatever their expression, understand that anger is a very natural response to significant loss. In the bargaining stage, bargaining pre-loss often looks like a final attempt to gain control over the pending loss. It can sound like,  “I will do anything you want if you just don’t send me to treatment”, “If you guys stay married, I’ll never cause problems ever again” or threats like, “If you take this away from me, I’ll never talk to you again.” Bargaining post-loss can look like a hyper-focus on things you should have done differently in an effort to avoid or at least prolong the loss. “I should have spent more time with that friend” or “I should have never said anything.” In the depression stage, people feel a deep sadness as the new reality is beginning to set in. “Spending time in the first three stages is potentially an unconscious effort to protect oneself from this emotional pain.” In this stage, the pain is beginning to settle in. And finally, the acceptance stage. In this stage, there is less resistance and struggle with the new reality. While many parents hope that their child quickly gets to this stage, it’s healthy for your child’s (or anyone’s) grieving journey to fully encompass all the stages of grief.

7 Ways to Support Your Grieving Child

1. Participate in family therapy. If your child lost someone, it’s likely that you lost someone too. Even if you are not as deeply hurt as your child may seem to be, it can be affirming to them to know that they have their parent’s support and that they’re not the only one hurting.
2. Encourage them to eventually re-engage with their community. Some isolation is normal. However, community support is vital during the grieving process. If you see your child shutting everyone out, it may be time to encourage and provide more opportunities for engagement with others (i.e. hosting their friends, attending a support group, etc.).
3. Let them talk about it. A listening ear can serve as a healthy outlet for your child who is grieving. There are times when they will just want to vent or share without having to filter their words to accommodate other people’s discomfort with grief. 
4. Provide professional help. Seek grief counseling for teens. Perhaps your child is more open to attending therapy on their own. Seek out a licensed mental health professional who works with adolescents.
5. Don’t act like it never happened. Address the elephant in the room. Sometimes people completely ignore the elephant in the room not because they don’t see it, but because they have no idea how to deal with it. Avoidance is not the answer.
6. Let them cry. For many of us, our upbringing consisted of being told to “be strong” and “don’t cry” by respected loved ones who had our best interest, but may not have known a better way to encourage resilience. Telling someone not to cry in a time of distress is less encouraging and more stifling than you may realize. As a licensed therapist, I would lovingly encourage you to explore your own discomfort with tears if you find yourself telling your child not to cry.
7. Encourage healthy coping skills. Allow your child to engage in healthy coping skills like poetry, journaling, sports/exercise, rock climbing, hiking, etc. Daily movement has positive health benefits and produces the dopamine that they need to experience moments of happiness again.

Grief Quotes

I’m sharing a few quotes about grief that I feel accurately paint a picture of what your grieving child could be feeling. Analogies often depict an image that we otherwise may find difficult to imagine.

• “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” – Jamie Anderson 
• “Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming”.” – Vicki Harrison
• “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” – C.S Lewis
• “We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world – the company of those who have known suffering.” – Helen Keller

Teen Grief Resources

• Grief Share (griefshare.org)
• Complicating Your Grief for Teens by Hospice of the Valley
• Talk Grief – a dedicated online space for teenagers and young adults (13 to 25)

Brianna Rodgers, LMFT, CTT, CSAT

Capstone is a top rated residential treatment center for young men. We focus on helping young men ages 18-26 and teens ages 14-17 who struggle with self-destructive behaviors, mental health struggles, and compulsive behaviors. Get in touch today to learn more about our expert team and our approach to helping young men overcome their hurts.  Learn how we can help you here.