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For parents, few things are more stressful than when a child seems to be spiraling out of control. What you may not know is that it’s likely stressful for your child as well. In this article we’ll discuss spiraling behavior, what may be contributing to this behavior, and how you can assist your struggling teenage son on managing acting out behaviors.

Spiraling Behavior

Spiraling behavior does not look the same for all young men. You know your son better than anyone else. What’s considered completely normal for one young man may appear as bizarre behavior for your son. The most important thing is to act quickly when you begin to notice these changes.

• Abnormally low grades
• Drastic change in attitude
• Increased agitation and aggression
• Unusual lack of motivation
• Loss of interest in hobbies and social activities
• Skipping school
• Running away from home
• Substance abuse
• Alcohol abuse
• Increased isolation and shutting down
• Unwillingness to engage in therapy, conversation with parents, and even friends
• Sexually acting out behaviors (i.e. compulsions, pornography, engaging with strangers online for sexual content, etc.)

Why Is This Happening?

If decades of working with teenage boys and young adult men has taught us anything here at Capstone, it’s that there is ALWAYS more than meets the eye. When working to address spiraling behaviors, it’s less about the what (what behavior they’re engaging in) and more about the why (why they’re engaging in the behavior). Most well-meaning parents understandably zone in on just getting their son to stop the behavior. This makes sense, especially if the son’s spiraling behavior is putting him in immediate danger. To be clear, we are not at all saying that you should not immediately address your son’s harmful behaviors. However, if only the behavior is addressed without ever getting to the why behind the behavior, this will most often result in the child eventually using another unhealthy behavior as an outlet.

Here are some common contributing factors to problematic behavior:

• A platonic or romantic break-up
• Rejection
• Poor self-image
• Bullying
• Sudden changes in environment (moving schools, homes, cities, etc.)
• Health issues
• A lack of healthy coping skills
• Struggling school performance
• Identity issues
• Abuse
• Parents divorcing
• Comparison
• Depression
• Anxiety

Start the conversation today with your child to see what lies beyond the surface of their behaviors.

How You Can Help

• Actively Listen: While many teenage boys and young adult men may not directly verbalize why they’re “spiraling out”, listen to the things that they both say and don’t say. For example, if he stops talking about a person or group of people that you’re used to hearing him always talk about, that may be a sign that there has been a break or conflict in a meaningful relationship. 
• Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear and direct boundaries with your son by letting him know what behavior is unacceptable and what consequences will follow. Cultivate your son’s respect for rules and boundaries in the home first, so that his first experience of real life consequences won’t be with an employer, teacher, or landlord.
• Encourage and Demonstrate Healthy Outlets: It’s not exactly helpful to just take away an outlet that was in some way working for your son. Try encouraging an alternative healthy outlet to him. Even better than that, is to demonstrate healthy outlets for your son. Ask him to join you on one of your healthy outlets, or suggest something that has been helpful to you.
• Seek to Understand: During our family week intensives, we often hear parents share that they struggle to relate to their son because they did not engage in the behaviors that they’re seeing their son engage in. However, we would argue that while that may be true, they have certainly felt some of the emotions and experienced some of the hurts that their son has felt and experienced. Seek to understand how they’re feeling first, even when you don’t understand how they’re responding.
• Seek Professional Help: Sometimes mediation, clinical expertise, and a family advocate is the best thing for both parents and sons. Therapy could also help provide your son with tools that he needs to manage his emotions and behaviors.

Capstone is one of the top rated residential treatment centers for teens in the nation, focused on helping young men ages 14-26 who struggle with self-destructive behaviors and attitudes. Learn more about our expert team, our approach to helping young men overcome their self-destructive behaviors, and what makes us one of the best residential treatment centers for teens and young adults.

Brianna Rodgers, LMFT, CTT, CSAT